In My Absence THEY'VE BEEN DESTROYING OLD LADIES

ART: The Lonely Picnic

In my life there have been a few wonderful events or conversations that have been so GOD DAMN GOOD that I've written them down to preserve them FOREVER BECAUSE THEY ARE SO GOOD DAMN GOD - Here are some of them that have happened:  

Bus

Me: *Listening to some good music*
Bus Girl: *Conversing with Bus Girl 2* Oh my god! Have you seen Justin Biebers new hair cut?!
Me: *Aware that someone is talking about Justin Bieber, I mute my music*
Bus Girl: I used to think he was great but he is so horrible now. I dont no why did it, I really wanted to see his hair all flow in 3D!
Me: *Un-Muting my music, tutting, as I contemplate the shallow-ness of her, and probably many other Justin Bieber fans.*
FUN FACT: If you’re worrying about not getting to see Justin’s lovely flowing hair in Never Say Never 3D because of his haircut, don’t worry, it was filmed before the cutting of hair. Okay?

Car Park

Mum: Myles, where’s the car?
Me: Ermm…Not sure, probably around here somewhere.
Mum: I could have sworn it was right here.
Me: We’ve probably just forgotten where we parked.
Mum: …What if someones stolen it.
Me: I doub-
Mum: Oh my god, someones walked off with the car!
Me: Why would someone Walk off with a car. Why would they not drive off in it?
Mum: Where is it?! Someones walked off with it
Me: No ones walked off with the car Mum, it's right there.

*Phone Vibrates*

Mum: Who’s that?
Me: Oh, just one of my friends…
Mum: What did he want?
Me: Just wondered if I wanted to go into town with a few friends on Monday.
Mum: Like who?
Me: Erm, me, Emily, Geary and Charlie-
Mum: What!? Charlie is so cool?
Me: Errr-What? He has 600,000 subscribers. Why would I be popping into town with him?
Mum: I don’t know. He might like you.

Justin Bieber on X-Factor

Mum: Oh he is a bit weird. He cant be normal. How old is he? His voice can’t have broken
Dad: Myles, look it’s you!
*Justin says ‘I love my fans’ and ‘Hey Cheryl’*
Mum: He’s not ordinary.

Radio

Me: Mum can I put Radio 1 on?
Mum: Ermm…Radio 1?
Me: Yeah.
Mum: Okay, as long as it’s not too “Bangy Bangy”
Me: Okay.
p.s. I can control levels of ‘Bangy Bangy’

Ambition

Girl: Myles, what do you want to be when you’re older?
Me: *Putting on my sexy voice to show I have a clear ambition in life* A journalist.
Girl: … Oh…
Me: Yeah.
Girl: I thought you would have been a guitar man or a scientist?
Me: *Thinking: ‘What a wonderful job being a guitar man would be…Don’t know what the job actually consists of, but being a man made of guitars would be great!* Nah.
Girl: What’s a journalist?!
Me: Really!? … Well, it’s someone who writes and stuff *Slowly realising that it was not worth the effort keeping this conversation going*
Girl: Oh, that’s really really boring though… I want to be a beautician.

ABSOLUTE MONG

Girl: I need to go home Miss, I don't feel well.
Teacher: You just got here and you've done no work.
Girl: But miss I feel so ill!
Teacher: Look you have to come to school unless you're knocking on Deaths door.
Girl: … (thinking) …. Where’s that?
God: Is… is…she joking?

Myles Recommends: Morning Runner - Gone Up In Flames

THE END BYE

When We Live In Circles

Fathers Day happened recently. Got my Dad this card:



I think everyone got scared that day.

So I have one more GCSE exam left - I like how society has formed a concept that categorizes its own people into letters. School's just teach people how to answer questions, but only specific questions about specific labels. [I don't know what I am. But I'm not a category - Buckminster Fuller] Instead of exams, I think teachers should take students out on a field and then give them two seconds to see if they can outrun their bullet. FROM A GUN. That would be worth letters.

Talking about bullets and guns, the final installment of Harry Potter comes out next month. I've just been reading through some reviews on the first novel: the Philosophers Stone - This one is written by Amazon Man, Thomas Joseph;

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. This book is something a four year old should read, the storyline is linior and highly typical, and I think this is probably the most overrated book in history!! 

I can think of another book... Twilight, of course.

And finally, this glowing  review:

How can so many people suppoer and like JK Rowling??? If someone offered me one of her books for free I wouldn`t take it just because all of the Harry Potter books are such hunks of crap... Then it went into the trash and probably became something more exciting like a chinese prayer book or something. Hopefully. Anyway, I`m awating the new release `Harry potter and the jar of money` by JK Rowling [get it!]. So anyone who can enjoy this book really really diserves a nobel prize. 

I don't know where to collect it, but due to my recognition of cultural and scientific advances I think I diserve my nobel prize. SOCIETY. I ENJOYED IT. WHERE'S MY PRIZE FOR BEING NOBEL.

Myles Recommends: Driftless Pony Club - Buckminster

That's it. No more writing. End of the post. Buy!... Buy? No, I didn't use the incorrect 'Bye'. You can now buy and own forever limited edition Myles Merchandise. Happy Wednesday.

I Must go in, for the Fog is Rising

Do you ever get that feeling when you’re really looking forward to something, but you don't want the good things to happen because before the good things, bad things occur? I say ‘bad things’, it's not really bad like poverty or cancer, just ‘pure unadulterated hell that is exams' - That was in quote marks because a Duck on Facebook said it.

But after the exams, which I’m half way through, there’s a 'super-cool-omg-how-did-this-ape-get-in-the-house-its-got-shelly-and-mauling-mum' Summer… And this Summer looks to be one of the best Summers yet!!!!! *Cue High School Musical music*

Here.

• Going to my first YouTube Gathering: Summer in the city

• Seeing comedian and writer Stephen Merchant live

• Going to the BBC

• Watching my brother sleep every single night when he's home and even touching and moving his hair out of his eyes.

• Forcefully making my brother pasta dishes

• Cuddling my brother until I snap some major bone

• Going to Italy

• Continue to subtly brag about my use of interpunct

YEAH SUMMER YEAH SCHOOL OVER YEAH COME ON TROY LETS SING ONE MORE SONG I ONCE WENT TO THE CINEMA TO SEE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 PLEASE JUDGE ME

No 'Myles Recommends' today- ACTUALLY NO. Here: I recommend you to look at me looking like a slightly plump and awkward hippo being greased up by a man with one glass eye who's out on bail for 7 accidental murders.

That was from the school prom. I HAD 3 J2O'S AND MY BOW TIE FELL OFF.

Bye, have a good day but don't turn around because that's where he lives. BYE.

World Events

My brother said this a while ago about the lifechanging changes on Facebook, I thought I’d re-post it here from my old blog because it makes me laff and cry everytime. You’re welcome.

'You know the down side of the Facebook layout, that you sometimes get people’s photos albums? Well, now they’ve introduced ‘Memorable Status Updates’ … Really? Really?

Somehow Facebook can tell what status updates had emotive impact upon my brain, thus causing the event to be logged for later reference.

‘Memorable’ is highly subjective though. I doubt they use mind reading. I like to think it’s done by one guy, sitting in his cubicle at the Facebook offices. He just scrolls through every status. A dark room. Face lit by the pale glow of the monitor, shining off the slightly balding mans moist eyes and lips. A smile creeps across his face. ‘Oh yeah, that was a great one’ He clicks his ‘memorable’ button and thus it is.'

THAT’S ALL FOLKS FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF THE FIRST AND LAST EVER: MYLES TELLS YOU SOMETHING HIS BROTHER SAID ABOUT FACEBOOK CHANGES!!!!

Myles Recommends:  Doing It Normal

Oh and talking about Facebook things, I got an emaill yesterday:

Sounds interesting, gonna follow it up.

It Was Evening All Afternoon...

My Mum just gave me a Good Luck card which was lovely. The card was fancily edited to have my face on... Never give someone a good luck card with a smiling picture of themselves on.

And my Nan and Grandad signed their Good Luck card from 'Little Nan and Big Granddad' what a crazy pair!

So I have my first English GCSE on Monday. I like English and today I had a whole day of English revision. Our teacher set our class the task of writing a persuasive piece regarding something we wanted to change; I don't think my teacher understood mine because most people wrote about changing the taste of onions and changing TV content and changing the weather, but I quite liked mine so yeah, here it is:

People. People. Us…What are we? We are us and people and people are complex. We are the only beings to have fluent thoughts and to decide on building to the sky. People cannot be summed up in a word; people’s years and days and personas are so vast no one word fits true. You have to back catalogue someone’s experience and life, the words that make us human cannot be used to define a humanity, an originality flows through everyone. If you see someone don’t decide on an assumption before you’ve imagined, look around you and then look back at the human you were going to judge in a split second of a second, open up with regret and with satisfaction and imagine people complexly. Yesterday I gave 10p to a hobo; he wished me a good day.

And out of boredom I wrote this thing about Starbucks, I don’t think my teacher really ‘got it’ though… I guess it’s a metaphor thing or something?

I don’t like coffee but I’ve been into Starbucks. The smell I hate and the pretentious arrangements of vanilla with cream… There’s a lot more shops y’know, even at home. Coffee is everywhere not just in Starbucks. I feel awkward when I order because I don’t want coffee but even If I did, what would I order? Starbucks have a lot of money and you’ve had a lot of coffee, I don’t like coffee but I think you do though, you’ve been to the shop and experienced the goods, so why waste time on these words? Your coffees done – Go on, walk on.

 Oh, and I made a video yesterday about benches and remembering: If you're interested click here, if you're not interested though don't be clicking anywhere near there. Instead click here or here or even here but don’t click here if you’re not interested, because that's the link to my Youtube Vidyo.

Myles recommends: 13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

Have a good day!

Coordinate Tables Are Out of Date (By A Thousand Years)

Spyro: Year of the Dragon. It was one of those games where you would happily yell at your Mum; “Fuck Sunday Dinner, I need two more Dragon Eggs!” … Apart from I like Sunday Dinner and I wouldn’t be swearing at the age of 6, so I wouldn’t be saying that.

11:09 last night. I started thinking; About Spyro. I couldn’t get to sleep so I rolled out of bed [I roll - too much food in body] and walked to the phone. I called my brother up and asked him to confirm the year and my age upon purchasing our first ever games console; the PS1 and my favourite ever game, Spyro. As I put the phone down after leaving an odd voice message I went to bed, etching the words ‘play Spyro tomorrow…’ and ‘…get mum OK! Magazine’ in my notepad.

I remember days where me and my brother played games, we sat and layed and changed our positions on seats and the weather changed and the TV changed and the carpets changed yet we still sat and layed and played games. Me and brother played ‘Final Fantasy’ and enriched ourselves with the stories and we tried to comprehend the badness that eventually made goodness in regards to ‘Legend of Croc’ and we laughed at the fact we had just fell through the glitchy floors of the ‘Simpsons Hit and Run’ levels.

But I loved the extreme vastness of the Spyro games that made you fell you could go anywhere, the graphics that made you want to hug the pixels for being proud of being bad, the amazingly simple and effortless character development, the comedic dialogues that I would only really understand on a 2^nd playing and the inspiring and great soundtrack, it was a game that yelled in the nicest way possible; “Never put me down this is better than reality!”

When I think of days playing games and playing Spyro everything is round and bright. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve grown up slightly but no game since has captured my mind as much as Spyro did… Recently with Portal 2 I experienced the same gaming situation, my brother played and I ate cake and watched. It was pretty awesome yeah, but still, Spyro: Year of the Dragon… just wow. That game.

Last night when I picked up and dusted the case of Spyro: Year of the Dragon, I felt and ran my fingers over the mark of where I failed to remove the price tag 10 years ago, I saw the crack across the case, the crack that occurred on my first day of purchase, I flicked through the slightly creased instruction manual and I rubbed the disk dotted with the occasional scratch. I smiled and rolled back into bed and remembered the many minutes I spent just head butting a Roman Warrior Teddy Bear.

Myles Recommends: the bus that couldn't slow down - The J. Arthur Keeness Band

Goodbye people of the Internet. I hope you enjoy Dr. Who tonight. What if I don't want to enjoy it. Oh, sorry, I just thought you might. No. Okay. It's not very science-y for a SCIENCE-fiction programme is it. No it isn't. Bye.

Protons, Electrons, Neutrons and Cheers

I'm round my Nan's at the minute, it's her Birthday. It's also the Royal Wedding. I think my Nan deserved more coverage.

So you know that thing in a Marriage Ceremony in a Church when the Priest says prayers? Yeah? Well after about 3 of these prayers the Priest continued speaking with "I'd like to say another prayer…" to which my 5 year old cousin replied with "Uhhh, how many more?" He also explained the whole story of the film 'Cars' to me, even after I said I'd seen it 5 times. Classic Boi.

Leading up to the Wedding in the weeks and days in which I listened to all the hype and I saw two people's faces plastered over and over on cups and t-shirts and condoms, I took a disliking to the whole Royal Wedding thing; I disliked the fact that their love seemed like it was almost being marketed. I never saw why it was so important for it to be broadcasted everywhere for hours, TV networks constantly replaying a kiss slower and slower each time... But today my opinion changed.

I kind of watched a bit of the Wedding and I kind of stayed in my pyjamas until 2:34.

When I flicked through the television channels blurred by faces of smiles and colours of flags and cheers and churches I saw it. I loved the fact that millions of people were just getting mentally excited about a wedding. If my mum, like she did a few months ago, told me someone I knew was getting married I'd probably just go "Oh, that's nice, I'll write a card" But no, today people devoted hours to just get a glimpse of a dress. I originally thought this was pretty retarded, but upon seeing how happy people were getting today I thought "Screw it, give the parrot its cracker" - That’s something I say now by the way.

I like to think the reason people focus so much on this over other weddings just down the road is because it joins the world. Cameras buzz and people tweet and laugh and it's such a brilliantly huge distraction from everything... I drank 4 Cokes today! I never drink 4 Cokes [The drug]. I think seeing this image of two happy, lovely humans in the public eye reflects on the world as a symbol of love. And although I still dislike that 'Royal Wedding Jelly Beans' are actually out there on shop shelves...

...I think it's great if people wanna go mental over a wedding; As long as you don't get 'William should have chosen me" tattooed onto your bum; Well done lady from Wales off the news this morning.

Myles Recommends: The Cat Empire - No Longer there

Bye. Have a great Friday! Don't tell me what to do. Sorry. I liked the Queen in yellow. Bet you did. Bye. 

The Rocket Really is the Way to Go

Phew, finally dropped the toaster in the bath water of Tumblr. Oh, that lovely site with its insistent postings of 'HAVE A GLEE GIF!!' and 'RE-BLOG THIS PICTURE OF A FAT BABY COS IT’S FUNNY!!' I found that site never really gave words a go, and that meant it hardly ever came face to face with originality. But Blogger seems nice; Looks cool, smells cool, hears cool. I think we could be friends. [Not gonna happen, can't be friends with a website]

Just as a little insight into my mind, here's something I wrote on my phone when I visited London yesterday. [I had to pay 50p to go to the toilets and I had a waffle]

At the moment I'm on a floor filled with footballs in a big sports shop in London in England, Earth. From the train station over to this shop I was greeted with a laugh from my mum: "Myles, you're in Madame Tussauds" I turned. Justin Bieber apparently now has a wax model in Madame Tussauds...Well done. Congrats.

We've now advanced up the escalator in the shop, my Dad just got excited at some tennis balls that formed the letter 'R'. The reason I'm in London is because we're taking my brother back to Universe City. In the bus station, as we saw Ryan off, four pigeons flew in and were walking around near the vending machines. Pigeons shouldn't be doing that. My Dad said that they were probably waiting for a bus and that the one that was flying around going mental had probably lost his luggage. I doubted that. My Dad then continued with his thoughts that one of the pigeons was called Clive... Sort it out Dad. 

 

On the Train back home now, there's a man who's drinking a can of beer whilst subtly trying to pour vodka into it. Don't even try and be subtle about that, if you're gonna do it, you might as well do it with pride, otherwise, what else have you got? It was horrible to watch, the train was moving all over the place and this drink was going everywhere, when he stood up for his stop I thought he was going to fall on top of me. In his two bags filled with drinks he pulled out a cabbage, he looked pretty confused. 

- Myles

[I forgot to say, I'm Myles by the way and I'm having pasta for dinner tonight]