Occasional Romantic Date For Two

Hello. I'm not going to say sorry for not posting in a while. This is our thing. I've got a wife. You're only in this for the sweet sweet dollar. I take you out occasionally for a nice meal... I say occasionally, the meals are every 6 months or so - But BOY, are those meals GREAT meals. Our blogging relationship is like being the bully at school. You pick on the fat, glasses wearing, clever, spotty kids, but occasionally you break one of their noses and you get kicked out of school. This is that. I occasionally break your nose. But in a good way. The best way.

Y'right.

Analogies. There the best. Or should I say "they're". Grammar often gets pucked up on the internet. Or should I say "picked" up. Yep, "pucked" up is wrong, your right. Or should I say "You're." Yeah, you're right. We're the same person? Why are you correcting me and then making further mistakes?

Different parts of the internet have different approaches to formality. When talking on Facebook or Twitter I don't capitalise and I often add extra exclamation points for emphasis!! That's because those sites are social networks, you're connecting as a conversation with friends and so I write in a reflection to that form. I'm putting correct. full stops. and. commas., and capitalisations in this post because I'm approaching it with a more formal style - one in which time will hopefully be set aside for.

I care for this blog more than the Tumblr one. But then I care for the cat I occasionally encounter more than the other cat I see everyday which isn't as great because it tries too hard. I know what it wants. I know I can give him that. But the occasional cat is a treat. I want to capitalise and full stop all proper so it's an event. A romantic, occasional event where magic can happen. I'm not weird with cats. Just analogies.

Also, people who choose to pick apart grammer in informal settings? Don't do that. That hasn't won you anything. And I used to be like that. I felt like a special little disabled spider in the bathtub when I saw an incorrect "your" - "oh god its my time to shine this is it all my previous mistakes have come down to this decision oh god this is it i'm ecstatic i feel like electric i can dance" and then Elton John starts playing. Arguments should be dealt with through the topic. You don't slap the toes of the bully to knock him out. You slap the cheek. The face cheek. I suppose the non-face cheek slap could also beat the bully. Not sure. Go talk to a teacher first.

Humour is a thing that's different to different people too. A definition of abnormality is deviating from social norms - Going against the majority. When you hear a not-that-funny joke people often conform and laugh, but actually disagree inside. I'm trying to change that. I occasionally walk away from social situations and think "Why did I say that?" Because the thing I said wasn't something I had said, it was something Myles-Acting-Well-In-A-Social-Situation had said. I'm aware of myself and so I should say "hey, no, that joke wasn't funny, that wasn't even a joke, you were just saying that Elton John was a 'Queen' because he's gay great stereotypes." I heard that joke about 5 times on Sunday. Sunday was the Queen of England's Diamond Jubilee: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG8p6oYD5eU - I filmed it!

So, good, we're all caught up! I'll probably see you in October? Or December? Maybe 2014? I dunno. I'll send you a text under the name "Sarah's Work Number"

 http://youtube.com/itsamemyleo

http://twitter.com/itsamemyleo

Thanks for reading. Here's a musical recommendation - Stepdad: 

- Myles

As The Ocean Said To The Tulip-Faced-Queen

Hey! First post of 2012. Here’s some news: I’ve got a new phone and my ringtone is called “Saturday Dance Floor.” There’s a party every time it goes off on public transport and all the ladies look at me.

In other news: There was a squirrel this morning that looked directly at my dad’s car as we headed straight for it. He didn’t care. He knew that today wouldn’t be the day he died. And then I looked out the rear view mirror and it was just staring at me… Looking.

I got 'The Fault In Our Stars' yesterday, which is this new book from John Green. I started reading it and then after a chapter realized I needed to set aside a whole day for it so I could appreciate it more and follow the story clearer. So that’s going to happen tomorrow.

I also might as well mention some of my videos I’ve made recently. Some of those words will link to videos if you’re interested.

Myles Recommends: 

Try to watch the sunrise or the sunset, but don’t make a thing about it like “Look I'm watching the sun rise look how different and PRETNTIOUS TWAT I AM YOU TWAT look at the nice sun” – I’ve been doing it recently and it’s good.

There we go, I can now cross off my “Remember you have a blogger account in which you like to blog from.” reminder.

The end.

- Myles

In My Absence THEY'VE BEEN DESTROYING OLD LADIES

ART: The Lonely Picnic

In my life there have been a few wonderful events or conversations that have been so GOD DAMN GOOD that I've written them down to preserve them FOREVER BECAUSE THEY ARE SO GOOD DAMN GOD - Here are some of them that have happened:  

Bus

Me: *Listening to some good music*
Bus Girl: *Conversing with Bus Girl 2* Oh my god! Have you seen Justin Biebers new hair cut?!
Me: *Aware that someone is talking about Justin Bieber, I mute my music*
Bus Girl: I used to think he was great but he is so horrible now. I dont no why did it, I really wanted to see his hair all flow in 3D!
Me: *Un-Muting my music, tutting, as I contemplate the shallow-ness of her, and probably many other Justin Bieber fans.*
FUN FACT: If you’re worrying about not getting to see Justin’s lovely flowing hair in Never Say Never 3D because of his haircut, don’t worry, it was filmed before the cutting of hair. Okay?

Car Park

Mum: Myles, where’s the car?
Me: Ermm…Not sure, probably around here somewhere.
Mum: I could have sworn it was right here.
Me: We’ve probably just forgotten where we parked.
Mum: …What if someones stolen it.
Me: I doub-
Mum: Oh my god, someones walked off with the car!
Me: Why would someone Walk off with a car. Why would they not drive off in it?
Mum: Where is it?! Someones walked off with it
Me: No ones walked off with the car Mum, it's right there.

*Phone Vibrates*

Mum: Who’s that?
Me: Oh, just one of my friends…
Mum: What did he want?
Me: Just wondered if I wanted to go into town with a few friends on Monday.
Mum: Like who?
Me: Erm, me, Emily, Geary and Charlie-
Mum: What!? Charlie is so cool?
Me: Errr-What? He has 600,000 subscribers. Why would I be popping into town with him?
Mum: I don’t know. He might like you.

Justin Bieber on X-Factor

Mum: Oh he is a bit weird. He cant be normal. How old is he? His voice can’t have broken
Dad: Myles, look it’s you!
*Justin says ‘I love my fans’ and ‘Hey Cheryl’*
Mum: He’s not ordinary.

Radio

Me: Mum can I put Radio 1 on?
Mum: Ermm…Radio 1?
Me: Yeah.
Mum: Okay, as long as it’s not too “Bangy Bangy”
Me: Okay.
p.s. I can control levels of ‘Bangy Bangy’

Ambition

Girl: Myles, what do you want to be when you’re older?
Me: *Putting on my sexy voice to show I have a clear ambition in life* A journalist.
Girl: … Oh…
Me: Yeah.
Girl: I thought you would have been a guitar man or a scientist?
Me: *Thinking: ‘What a wonderful job being a guitar man would be…Don’t know what the job actually consists of, but being a man made of guitars would be great!* Nah.
Girl: What’s a journalist?!
Me: Really!? … Well, it’s someone who writes and stuff *Slowly realising that it was not worth the effort keeping this conversation going*
Girl: Oh, that’s really really boring though… I want to be a beautician.

ABSOLUTE MONG

Girl: I need to go home Miss, I don't feel well.
Teacher: You just got here and you've done no work.
Girl: But miss I feel so ill!
Teacher: Look you have to come to school unless you're knocking on Deaths door.
Girl: … (thinking) …. Where’s that?
God: Is… is…she joking?

Myles Recommends: Morning Runner - Gone Up In Flames

THE END BYE

When We Live In Circles

Fathers Day happened recently. Got my Dad this card:



I think everyone got scared that day.

So I have one more GCSE exam left - I like how society has formed a concept that categorizes its own people into letters. School's just teach people how to answer questions, but only specific questions about specific labels. [I don't know what I am. But I'm not a category - Buckminster Fuller] Instead of exams, I think teachers should take students out on a field and then give them two seconds to see if they can outrun their bullet. FROM A GUN. That would be worth letters.

Talking about bullets and guns, the final installment of Harry Potter comes out next month. I've just been reading through some reviews on the first novel: the Philosophers Stone - This one is written by Amazon Man, Thomas Joseph;

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. This book is something a four year old should read, the storyline is linior and highly typical, and I think this is probably the most overrated book in history!! 

I can think of another book... Twilight, of course.

And finally, this glowing  review:

How can so many people suppoer and like JK Rowling??? If someone offered me one of her books for free I wouldn`t take it just because all of the Harry Potter books are such hunks of crap... Then it went into the trash and probably became something more exciting like a chinese prayer book or something. Hopefully. Anyway, I`m awating the new release `Harry potter and the jar of money` by JK Rowling [get it!]. So anyone who can enjoy this book really really diserves a nobel prize. 

I don't know where to collect it, but due to my recognition of cultural and scientific advances I think I diserve my nobel prize. SOCIETY. I ENJOYED IT. WHERE'S MY PRIZE FOR BEING NOBEL.

Myles Recommends: Driftless Pony Club - Buckminster

That's it. No more writing. End of the post. Buy!... Buy? No, I didn't use the incorrect 'Bye'. You can now buy and own forever limited edition Myles Merchandise. Happy Wednesday.

I Must go in, for the Fog is Rising

Do you ever get that feeling when you’re really looking forward to something, but you don't want the good things to happen because before the good things, bad things occur? I say ‘bad things’, it's not really bad like poverty or cancer, just ‘pure unadulterated hell that is exams' - That was in quote marks because a Duck on Facebook said it.

But after the exams, which I’m half way through, there’s a 'super-cool-omg-how-did-this-ape-get-in-the-house-its-got-shelly-and-mauling-mum' Summer… And this Summer looks to be one of the best Summers yet!!!!! *Cue High School Musical music*

Here.

• Going to my first YouTube Gathering: Summer in the city

• Seeing comedian and writer Stephen Merchant live

• Going to the BBC

• Watching my brother sleep every single night when he's home and even touching and moving his hair out of his eyes.

• Forcefully making my brother pasta dishes

• Cuddling my brother until I snap some major bone

• Going to Italy

• Continue to subtly brag about my use of interpunct

YEAH SUMMER YEAH SCHOOL OVER YEAH COME ON TROY LETS SING ONE MORE SONG I ONCE WENT TO THE CINEMA TO SEE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 PLEASE JUDGE ME

No 'Myles Recommends' today- ACTUALLY NO. Here: I recommend you to look at me looking like a slightly plump and awkward hippo being greased up by a man with one glass eye who's out on bail for 7 accidental murders.

That was from the school prom. I HAD 3 J2O'S AND MY BOW TIE FELL OFF.

Bye, have a good day but don't turn around because that's where he lives. BYE.

World Events

My brother said this a while ago about the lifechanging changes on Facebook, I thought I’d re-post it here from my old blog because it makes me laff and cry everytime. You’re welcome.

'You know the down side of the Facebook layout, that you sometimes get people’s photos albums? Well, now they’ve introduced ‘Memorable Status Updates’ … Really? Really?

Somehow Facebook can tell what status updates had emotive impact upon my brain, thus causing the event to be logged for later reference.

‘Memorable’ is highly subjective though. I doubt they use mind reading. I like to think it’s done by one guy, sitting in his cubicle at the Facebook offices. He just scrolls through every status. A dark room. Face lit by the pale glow of the monitor, shining off the slightly balding mans moist eyes and lips. A smile creeps across his face. ‘Oh yeah, that was a great one’ He clicks his ‘memorable’ button and thus it is.'

THAT’S ALL FOLKS FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF THE FIRST AND LAST EVER: MYLES TELLS YOU SOMETHING HIS BROTHER SAID ABOUT FACEBOOK CHANGES!!!!

Myles Recommends:  Doing It Normal

Oh and talking about Facebook things, I got an emaill yesterday:

Sounds interesting, gonna follow it up.

It Was Evening All Afternoon...

My Mum just gave me a Good Luck card which was lovely. The card was fancily edited to have my face on... Never give someone a good luck card with a smiling picture of themselves on.

And my Nan and Grandad signed their Good Luck card from 'Little Nan and Big Granddad' what a crazy pair!

So I have my first English GCSE on Monday. I like English and today I had a whole day of English revision. Our teacher set our class the task of writing a persuasive piece regarding something we wanted to change; I don't think my teacher understood mine because most people wrote about changing the taste of onions and changing TV content and changing the weather, but I quite liked mine so yeah, here it is:

People. People. Us…What are we? We are us and people and people are complex. We are the only beings to have fluent thoughts and to decide on building to the sky. People cannot be summed up in a word; people’s years and days and personas are so vast no one word fits true. You have to back catalogue someone’s experience and life, the words that make us human cannot be used to define a humanity, an originality flows through everyone. If you see someone don’t decide on an assumption before you’ve imagined, look around you and then look back at the human you were going to judge in a split second of a second, open up with regret and with satisfaction and imagine people complexly. Yesterday I gave 10p to a hobo; he wished me a good day.

And out of boredom I wrote this thing about Starbucks, I don’t think my teacher really ‘got it’ though… I guess it’s a metaphor thing or something?

I don’t like coffee but I’ve been into Starbucks. The smell I hate and the pretentious arrangements of vanilla with cream… There’s a lot more shops y’know, even at home. Coffee is everywhere not just in Starbucks. I feel awkward when I order because I don’t want coffee but even If I did, what would I order? Starbucks have a lot of money and you’ve had a lot of coffee, I don’t like coffee but I think you do though, you’ve been to the shop and experienced the goods, so why waste time on these words? Your coffees done – Go on, walk on.

 Oh, and I made a video yesterday about benches and remembering: If you're interested click here, if you're not interested though don't be clicking anywhere near there. Instead click here or here or even here but don’t click here if you’re not interested, because that's the link to my Youtube Vidyo.

Myles recommends: 13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

Have a good day!